A Healing Heart

My life is now quite stable and filled with self-happiness, love of my kids, and a great relationship with my ex.
However, it did not start like that.

It seems that my current relationship is something that so many want but so many think they can’t have. We started the divorce route, just like everybody. It was the end of a dream. It was the beginning of hell. I remember it being the worst time of my life. The scariest time of my life. Even losing my mom at 6 years old did not seem as scary.

Everything that I knew, all of my bases were gone. It was living one year in a complete fog. What would happen next? What would my life look like? Where would I live? How would I be able to take care of my kids? How would I do that with no support? (All of my family is in France). All those questions, and I had no answers. I did not know what would happen. All I knew was that everything was going to change, and all I knew were those tears in my heart.
How could someone have so much pain? Going to work was difficult. Tears were uncontrollable and came anytime they wanted. It was difficult to hide. I just did not want to hear anyone telling me, “Everything will be okay.” At that moment, I just was not okay. Everything around me was falling apart. No one really knows how we truly feel. They can only guess. You see your friends removing themselves from your life. And the judgment… ahhhhhh, the judgment of others. It was quite something to learn to let go of what they thought as well.

My divorce did not start beautiful. It started with anger, finger pointing, and hurtful words. I knew it was coming. I knew it and was prepared for it. I numbed myself from it. I took it all. But
this time, they did not come straight into my heart. I was able to duck. I am not sure how now.
Did I just know that it was anger talking so I was not getting hurt anymore? Or was I not listening? I am not sure.
I also spent long nights. I just could not wait to fall asleep so I could escape this reality. I listened to guided meditations to fall asleep.

And there was really not much time to spend on emotions. Everything else had to be done. The papers, the financials… no time to heal. Not yet. The first year is all about facts and papers.
Forget about the love we shared, the dream we had. All of that is in the background. Once the papers were done, then the emotional roller coaster was at its full speed. Finally taking the time to let everything sink in. Everything happened so fast. I want a divorce. New place. New life. Who am I? Who do I want to be? Can I be without him? What is this pain in my heart? Where does this come from? When will it stop?

It has now been two years since I said I wanted a divorce. I still have emotions coming up, but I realize that they are emotions that dated before the marriage, and that my ex was just a
trigger. I have created my life with my kids. Every day is a new day. Some are awesome, and some are awful, back in the shower crying on the floor for 20 minutes. I am still learning to not
be married to my ex. I like my life now much better than before. My heart is healing.